Over the past two or three weeks I have noticed that my son of 3 years 2 months has started to tell fibs. I am concerned that this behaviour is escalating but am unsure how to tackle the problem.
Over the past two or three weeks I have noticed my son of 3 years 2 months has started to fib. It usually occurs if I discover he has done something such as taking a toy off his little sister or spilling his milk.
When I ask him “Did you spill your milk” his answer is always “No, I never did do it”.
I have tried to explain to him that telling fibs is wrong but he then gets very cross and shouts even more “No, I never did do it”.
I am concerned that this behaviour is escalating the more I try to stop it. How do I deal with it? I want my son to understand right from wrong and not to be afraid to own up.
When you first realize that your child has told you a fib it can feel as if he has lost his innocence and you begin to worry that this may become a habit. Although unsettling for you, the fact that your son is telling fibs indicates he has reached another stage in his development. He has the ability now to think that by denying the wrongdoing it may “go away”, as if it had not occurred at all. He then reasons that if this is so he will not have to face the consequence. His thinking processes are showing signs of maturity.
Yet no one wants their child to fib to try to keep out of trouble just because they are capable of doing so. Your son now needs to realize that if he is found out he will have to face a consequence so, maybe, it is better to tell the truth rather than be in trouble twice over: once for the misdeed and secondly for not owning up.
The way you phrase the question and speak to your son when finding he has taken a toy from his younger sister will give him a better chance to tell the truth rather than try to wriggle his way out. By asking, “Did you…?” when you know the answer to be “yes” you make it easy for him to deny it was he who did it. Instead, say “I know that you…” or, “I saw that you…” So he knows quite clearly you are aware of what has been going on.
With the problem of owning up over spillages or breakages approach the subject in a matter of fact way stating, “I can see something has happened to this cup of milk. How did it get spilt on the floor?” This opens up the way for your son to try to explain something which may well have been accidental rather than deliberate, even if he was playing around and caused it to happen.
By helping your child to be truthful he will learn that honesty is the best policy. He is still young and inclined to impulsive actions, such as taking something he really wants at that moment. However, making it easier for him to tell the truth does not mean you do not need to discipline him. Although he may admit to taking a toy from his sister it does not make it right that he did take the toy from her. He must learn that he has to give back the toy.
On the occasions when your son does own up, thank him for telling you the truth. If you notice him handing his sister a new toy, knowing she will then be more willing to give up the toy he wants, comment on his actions. “I can see you wanted to play with such and such but you have found her something new so she is not upset, thank you”. Praising positive behaviour helps a child build his self esteem.
Sometimes your son may genuinely forget the “whole truth”. Small children do not always have very reliable memories. If he complains that his friend has hit him always ask what happened before he was hit. It may take some prompting but your child needs to see the whole story not just his side of it. If he took a toy from his friend without asking the hitting out is more understandable, although not acceptable.
Make sure that you are treating your child in a way appropriate for his age. Be realistic about what you can expect from a child of his age. At three he is just leaving toddlerhood behind and may revert to more childish behaviour if he is tired or unwell. By putting too much pressure on him to grow up quickly and expecting too much from him all the time you may find he will fib more, especially if he knows that the consequences of being found out will be unpleasant.
If your son continues to deny his actions you need to look at your reaction to him. Spilt milk can be cleared up, toys can be returned to their rightful owners, walls which have been scribbled on can be cleaned. By involving him in making the “wrong” right again, without too much shouting and bad temper, he will be less likely to continue to defy you and try to fib his way out another time. If your son continues to shout back at you, denying his part, don’t be tempted to shout back at him, no matter how frustrated you are. Remain calm and firm when disciplining him.
Small children do sometimes fail to distinguish between reality and fantasy. They have vivid imaginations which should be encouraged, providing you make it clear to your child that both you and he know what is real and what is “made up”.
Set an example to your child by not telling him “white lies”. For example, if you are dealing with his scraped knee and tell him it won’t hurt when you put cream on you are not being truthful. If he does catch you out telling a “white lie” in order to spare someone’s feelings you will need to explain your behaviour and tell him exactly why you did it.