My daughter of 2.5 years has invented an imaginary friend. Should I be worried?
My daughter is a very articulate for her age, having talked early. Recently I have noticed the presence of an imaginary friend. She can be heard talking to him [?] at great length, usually when in the early morning and before she sleeps at night. I do realise that this is just a phase but over the past few weeks Bobo seems to have become a much bigger part of her life. She sets out plates and cups for him when playing with her tea set and insists that he must have room on the sofa at story time. Yesterday she wanted to now why I hadn’t set a place for him at the tea table. I am concerned to let this escalate anymore but can see the inevitable confrontations if I don’t comply with her wishes.
Should I encourage her by talking to him or about him? Or is it best to discourage this type of play, letting her know I realise he is not real? How much do I let Bobo become part of our family? At the moment I feel she wants to spend more time “playing” with him than doing things with me.
In one way I find this kind of behaviour rather cute, but its escalation is worrying me. Is she lonely? She is an only child at present. We live in the country but have plenty of friends and attend a couple of activities in the week. Does she need more stimulation? I have put her down for a place at Montessori nursery but she is still on the waiting list.
Should I look for somewhere for her to go now on a daily basis? I do like to think she has a good imagination but find the ever growing presence of Bobo rather difficult to deal with.
Imaginary friends are quite common in children from this age upwards to around the age of five or six. It can be disconcerting for you to feel your child seems to prefer the company of someone who isn’t even real to you, her main care giver. It can feel as if you are being excluded from her world, which up until now you have shared. According to experts who have studied this stage in development, most children do understand deep down that their companion is not real despite their behaviour indicating otherwise.
Again, according to research, children with imaginary friends are also social, imaginative, have a wide and rich vocabulary and are generally cooperative, so you need not worry that your daughter’s friend has been conjured up to cope with loneliness or any other underlying problem. It is more common for first or only children to have these friends but simply because they may have more time alone than a subsequent sibling, especially if your children are close together in age.
How you deal with the presence of Bobo can help both you and your daughter. Accept that he is probably here to stay for a while. It can seem rather strange to have to accommodate another person at the table or arrange the furniture so he isn’t left out when you are enjoying time together. If you are welcoming to Bobo and go along with her requests to a reasonable degree you will find it easier than to constantly be in dispute about him. Try to look at him in the same way as you do when she is playing with dolls and teddies. If you encourage her with them, by making them “real”, do the same thing with Bobo.
Talk to him if your daughter will let you, but don’t force her to share him with you. Some children are willing for their friend to become fully integrated into family life whilst others prefer to keep their friend exclusively to themselves, or at least answer for them and direct them rather than letting you do so. Play along when invited to by your daughter but let her take the lead where he is concerned.
It can be easy to think that by using her friend you may get your daughter’s cooperation if she happens to be unwilling to do something. For example, telling her that Bobo will be really pleased with her if she gets undressed now may not be as effective as you thought it would be. In effect you are taking over her friend and her reaction may be to become less cooperative, resenting you for taking control of her friend away from herself. You may find your daughter is willing to “share” her friend with you, but don’t be surprised if she is not.
Whilst it is fine for your daughter to use her friend for companionship and imaginative play don’t let her begin to use him as a scapegoat for her own misdemeanours. If she tells you that it is Bobo who has emptied the entire bookshelf on to the floor then play along a little by asking her to help Bobo clean up. If this does not have the desired effect you do need to become a little more insistent that the clearing up is done. Offer your help as well, but make sure your daughter does her own fair share.
If you feel that your daughter is spending increasing amounts of time with her imaginary friend to the detriment of other types of play, whether with you or alone, make sure she you encourage her with other outlets for her imagination. Provide her with plenty of props such as dolls and all their paraphernalia. She may not want a baby doll, but rather one who represents her age group and so can be a friend as well. Make or buy some puppets and set her up with a simple stage. This could be a large cardboard box with one side cut away halfway down. You may like to make it more elaborate with curtains.
Begin a simple dressing-up box if she does not already have one. It can have a few props such as old bags, shoes and safe pieces of jewellery to help your daughter get into the spirit of other kinds of make believe. You may need to get her going with these new ideas but most children, especially those with fertile imaginations, need no second telling when given the right props.
If you feel that your daughter is using her imaginary friend to vent negative feelings try to talk to her about the way she feels. This is the one time when you should be slightly concerned, especially if you feel that she is beginning to do this more often. It is common for a child to use an imaginary friend to explore their emotions, especially if they are rather overwhelmed by them. She may be feeling jealousy or anger but not be able to fully understand why or know how to express it herself so will use the medium of her friend to cope. You will know by eavesdropping on her conversations with Bobo if this could be a problem. It might be hard for her to really vocalize her feelings even though she has an advanced vocabulary. You can encourage her to express some of these negative feelings by providing activities such as dough pounding, trampoline jumping, pillow fights [ in a safe environment], drumming and plenty of outside physical exercise to help her get rid of negative emotions which may be overwhelming her.
You may notice that your daughter uses Bobo to try to get across her own fears to you, without losing face. If she tells you that Bobo really does not like the dog next door, especially when he barks, she may want to know your reaction and possible explanation before telling you that she herself feels frightened when walking past the gate.
If you feel that your daughter may need a little more social integration, see if you can find a suitable playgroup locally which she could attend until a place is open for her at nursery school. You could look around for local events such as Story Time at the library or drop-in groups which may take place in nearby leisure centres. These will all encourage your daughter to interact and socialize with children of different ages. Providing her with the right balance of time alone spent imaginatively as well as mixing with other children will mean her need for Bobo should not become excessive or exclusive.
Enjoy this phase for as long as it lasts. You may have a daughter who will have several imaginary friends over the next few years or Bobo may be around for some time. Whatever happens to him let him be a part of her childhood. He may well be remembered with affection for years to come by all the family.