My four-year-old daughter, Rosie, started school in September. She has a summer Birthday, and is one of the youngest in her year group. She has settled very happily into school, but I have noticed that she has begun to tell lies. Apparently she told another child in her class that if you told lies you would be hit with a bolt of lightening in the eye. Rosie told him she knew this because it had happened to her! The other child was understandably upset. Rosie appears to understand what a lie is, but I don’t know where she gets these ideas from or why she feels the need to make things up. My older daughters have never lied, and I am not sure what line to take. What makes a child lie and how can one encourage them not to do it?
Parents can become upset and worried when their children do not tell the truth. There are many reasons why children lie and it is important for parents to understand the reasons why children lie before they react. Children learn about truth as they develop. It is part of the developmental process and since all children are different it will not happen at the same time in all children. Understanding the difference between right and wrong is usually developed between the ages of seven and nine years.
Most children under the age of three do not understand what the truth means. They are not aware that what they are thinking is private or that their parents do not know their thoughts. They do not understand the difference between right and wrong. Between the ages of three and four they begin to realise that people do not know their thoughts. At this stage children also have wonderful imaginations and can blame someone else by making up a story or blame a character from a fairy story for the action. This is normal.
When children start school they usually want to please their teachers and their parents, they are afraid of punishment and making their teacher or parent cross and because of this are more likely to tell lies. If Rosie is one of the youngest in her peer group, she is probably using “lies” to impress her friends. She might be copying others who tell lies. You are very fortunate if you older children have never lied since most children will tell a fib from time to time – sometimes to get out of a situation or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. They may have witnessed their parents or other adults tell such lies.
Rosie is very young, and seems to be handling the transition to “big” school well. It is important not to over-react to her “stories”. Teaching young children the difference between truth and lies can begin by saying ‘ I like the stories you make up, they are very good, we could make a scrap book of your stories and write them down to keep’ or ‘what a great story teller you are”.
Talk to Rosie about the consequences of not telling the truth, and explain to her that truth builds up trust. Set a good example by telling the truth yourself. If you are tempted to tell a white lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, don’t. When Rosie tells the truth, make sure you give her plenty of praise, particularly if she owns up to a naughty act. I.e. who was responsible for crayoning on the wall etc? Tell her how proud you are of her for telling the truth, and how because she was brave and honest, you are not cross with her. Tell her parents and teachers are much sadder when a child tells a lie or covers up, than when they tell the truth for doing something they should not have done.
Make sure you recognise when “lies” are wishes. For instance if your child is lying about playing football in the park with dad saying ‘it sounds like you would like Dad to spend more time with you’ will help your child understand that some lies are wishes.
Finally, do not label you child a liar because labels tend to stick. Sometimes lying can be a phase that passes when the response from the parent is the right one.