Sleeping FAQ: 12-18 Months – Settling/Sleep Associations

My 18mth son has suddenly started to be terrified of falling asleep alone.

My son has always been good sleeper, never even whimpering when he was put down in his cot. Generally when he wakes, we can hear him playing in his cot (he does not wake up crying) or rustling about until he resettled. He sucks his thumb so has always been able to self soothe. We’ve had occasional periods of early waking in the last few months, but it always sorted itself out in a week or less. He eats well, and drinks milk in the morning and evening. Our problem is that in the last week, he is refusing to go to sleep. Nothing has changed in our routine but suddenly he seems horrified and terrified of going to bed. He screams blue murder and hangs onto the side of the cot for dear life. He will not lay (or even sit) down. He clutches on to me when I come up to the side of the cot and will only stop screaming if I pick him up. I tried not picking him up and I tried leaving him to cry. Neither worked and he just got more hysterical so eventually I picked him up. He then falls asleep on me, but wakes as soon as I put him back in his cot, and so on. The first couple of nights it was only evenings, but now I have the same problem at lunch time. The last two nights he has got himself upset immediately and thrown up all his dinner and milk. Our only success in getting him to sleep has been lying on the bed and moving him once he’s asleep. Unsurprisingly, he cries as soon as he wakes.

I am concerned about this because it is causing us all a great amount of distress and I can’t seem to find a way to make it better. My husband and I are totally baffled by this sudden change and concerned at how upset and seemingly terrified Louis is. And obviously we are exhausted and I am filled with dread every morning for the day that comes.
He naps at 12.30-2.30pm in the day and is put to bed at 7pm.

A sudden change in behaviour like this may have been triggered by events which you were unaware of. If you have been having fireworks going off in the neighbourhood in the past few weeks he may have been disturbed by a sudden loud noise just when falling asleep. Are you aware of him falling and banging himself in the cot?

If you feel that it is actually the cot he is afraid of then you will need to get him used to it by daytime again. Take him upstairs with you in the day and suggest he plays in his cot for a short while. This should be in the middle of the morning or afternoon so he does not connect the time with sleeping. Find a toy he is really interested in and stay beside him once you have put him in his cot. Playing with puppets can be a good idea at this age. Use them to play peek-a-boo over the side. Once he seems relaxed about being in there and is playing on his own, leave his side for a minute or two but remain in the room, tidying shelves or dusting. Try to make time to do this once or twice each day, gradually extending the time you are away from the cot. After several sessions of doing this leave the room for a few moments, calling to him to reassure him whilst you are out of sight. Warn him that you are leaving but that you are coming back again. This should help him feel happy and safe about being in his cot on his own again.

If he has become clingier to you in the day he may be feeling some separation anxiety. Look at how he behaves over your whole day to try to get some idea as to why this has happened. Sometimes a seemingly small event could have precipitated this, such as you going out and leaving him with a relative or sitter, even if he is used to them, but then waking and finding you not there. Although it helps to know why your son is now fearful, you still need to deal with the situation before it gets out of hand.

Make sure you have plenty of one-to-one time with your son during the day. At this age he will be busy and active but most toddlers are happy to snuggle up and look at a book for five minutes at odd times.

Play lots of games of hide-and-seek and peek-a-boo to get your son used to the idea that although you do go out of sight you come back again.

Start his bath and bedtime routine in plenty of time and keep it all as quiet and low key as possible. Sometimes putting on a CD of calming music, which can be heard whilst he is in the bath, can help a toddler begin to relax. Don’t get into noisy, excited splashing games with him. Encourage him to pour water from one small container to another, or play with one or two simple bath toys. Once he is out of the bath and dressed discourage any running around. He needs to be ready to go into his cot within half an hour of finishing his bath. Snuggle together enjoying a story, with the lights turned lower if possible. Begin to have a little ritual about saying Good Night to his toys and then put him into his cot. If he starts to scream straightaway then you do need to be firm. Reassure him and then lay him down. If he gets up again then you lay him down again. Keep telling him in a calm but firm voice, “It’s bedtime now, lie down and go to sleep”. You may need to repeat this over and over again, but remain beside his cot. This way of gradual withdrawal does take time and will only work if you do not give in and pick him up. Gina writes of it at length in her Complete Sleep Guide, page 49.

If you are also letting him play for short periods in his cot by day he should improve within a few nights, although taking some time to settle. Over the course of the following nights begin to move away from the side of the cot but remain in the room. The idea of this method is to gradually withdraw yourself as your son gets better at being able to settle himself alone. You will need to keep reassuring him by your presence. Use your voice and the same words as much as you can rather than lifting him out of the cot.

In the Sleep Guide there is a case study of Joseph, page 148, who needed to be trained to sleep on his own again. You may find this useful to read.