Sleeping FAQ: 12-18 Months – Settling/Sleep Associations

How can I get my 17month-old daughter to settle alone and sleep better during the night and day?

I have many problems with my 17-month-old daughter’s sleep. She is hard to settle. I have to stay with her and hold her hand till she drops off or get into bed with her which usually takes 30-60 minutes. She jumped out of the cot the other day so now is in a bed which I can’t keep her in. This means I can’t go back to controlled crying – she will just get out if I don’t leave her asleep. When she drops off it is usually for about 3 hours and she will waken around 10.30-11pm and again I have to soothe her to sleep. Then she is likely to wake again at 2 or 3am. I would like to know the ideal daily routine for 17 months i.e. sleeping and eating schedule to see where I am going wrong.

My daughter doesn’t want to sleep in the mornings now and will only sleep around 45mins-1hour in the afternoon but never seems to get very tired. Please help as I am exhausted getting up every night! The easy option is to take her into bed with us as she sleeps quite well then but we really want to stop this now. If I leave her to cry she will cry and cough until she is sick.

My daughter eats three meals a day. What she eats and how much varies from day to day. She takes 250mls of toddler milk in a sippy cup at 7.30am. She is offered cereal, toast and fruit at breakfast but doesn’t eat well. She is offered bread, croissant or banana during the morning and has fluids available throughout the day. Her lunch at midday is either pasta, meat with vegetables or a sandwich with fruit, yoghurt or rice pudding to follow. At 3pm she will drink 125mls of toddler milk and is offered fruit, biscuit, avocado or fromage frais. For her tea at 5pm she will be offered meat, fish and potatoes or pasta and vegetables with a milky fruit pudding or yoghurt. She drinks 250mls of milk before bedtime. My daughter naps between 1-1.45pm.

As your daughter has discovered how to get out of her cot she is presumably not in a sleeping bag as this prevents toddlers from hurling themselves out and they can then remain in a cot until around their third birthday. At her age she will be far better off in a cot, and it will be easier for you to implement the methods given below so she learns to settle herself.

You may consider putting her back into a cot again, with a sleeping bag, and using the gradual withdrawal method to get her used to settling alone and staying in her cot at night. If you are not using a sleeping bag for your daughter and are concerned she may try to clamber out, protect the floor with sun lounger cushions which you put out after she is asleep. Also fix a stairgate across the door to prevent her from wandering in the night. This will help her come to understand that once she is in her room at night she must stay there. If you fix a gate now, when the time is right for her to move into a bed she will be used to the concept of remaining in her room. Gina has several case studies on toddlers who, for a variety of reasons move to a bed early which led to problems. As your daughter already has a sleep association problem in that she needs you beside her in order to settle these would make worthwhile reading for you.

Gina’s book From Contented Baby to Confident Child has a large section on how to handle toddlers. The relevant case studies can be found on pages 104 and 108. The latter study also shows how the gradual withdrawal method works. A further explanation of this method can be found in The Complete Sleep Guidepage 49 and also a case study on page 148 of this book. You can use the case study index on this website to help you find the relevant ones for you across all of Gina’s books.

In order for you to help your daughter become better at settling to sleep alone and remaining in her cot at night you need to teach her how. This will take a while, just as the habits she has got into will have taken time to become established. You need to have a clear idea of what you are trying to achieve and also be in complete agreement as to how you will do this with all other people involved in her care. Being persistent and consistent are the two main ways you will help your daughter to be more settled and happy at night. If all those who care for her are in complete agreement as to the limits and boundaries set, it will be far easier for your daughter to understand what is expected of her.

The method of gradual withdrawal will help your daughter learn to settle alone. Instead of being beside her until she goes to sleep you gradually withdraw your presence from her, first away from her cot or bed but within the room and then for gradually longer periods of time out of her room but coming back in to check and reassure her. She needs to be able to trust you will return but at the same time learn how to fall asleep alone. It will take time, and you need to be aware that in the beginning you will still be spending quite a bit of time every evening in and around her room.

Begin with establishing a bath and bedtime ritual. Small children thrive on routine, and like the security of knowing “what happens next”. After tea begin to wind the day down. Get your daughter to help you tidy any toys up and then go upstairs to begin her bath. Make sure you begin in plenty of time. If you are aiming to have in her bed at 7pm then be upstairs no later than 6.00pm. Lower the lights in her room and draw the curtains and blinds. Keep bath time a quiet time of day, so find her toys which she can use to pour and fill rather then having long splashing sessions which will excite her. Don’t let bath time be too long. Your daughter needs to be dried, dressed and in bed within half an hour of bath time finishing. If you have not already started the routine of reading books with her at this time, decide to start now. Many toddlers begin to find ways to prolong bedtime at this age. They will pester for one more drink or story, say they need one more kiss or invent elaborate rituals for putting their toys to bed. The key is simplicity and repetition. Decide how many stories you will read and stick with it. Two or three is plenty at this age, regardless of their length. Make yourselves cosy in her room and enjoy a quiet time together before telling her it is bedtime. Settle her into her cot and say good night. Sit on a chair close beside the cot and reassure her with your voice. It is important to use the same words every night but to keep physical contact to the minimum. “Mummy’s here, lie down and go to sleep”. If you daughter stands up and tries to hold you lay her down and say the same words again. You will need to continue this until she falls asleep. The difference between way you settling her now and this method is the lack of physical contact, there is no hand-holding or being in bed with her, but you have not broken her trust by leaving her completely.

It may take a long time the first night. You will see from reading the case studies how long it can take. Each time she stands up, lay her down and sit back on your chair. The same method must be used at all the waking that first night. Use the same few words each time until she settles.

The following night move the chair a little further away from the cot. Do this without your daughter noticing. Use the same method as you did the night before. By the third night the chair should be closer to the door. Keep moving yourself each night until you are right by the door. Depending how long it is taking her still to settle you may decide she is ready for a short spell on her own. Once she is in her cot and you have reassured her once or twice with your voice tell her you are leaving the room for 1 minute but will be back. A minute means nothing to a child of this age, the conception of time is too advanced for them. Go out of the room, even if she begins to cry and call from outside. “Lie down and go to sleep, Mummy will be back”. Again depending on her reaction leave her no longer than 1 minute. You may feel better about returning within 30 seconds. Sit back on the chair and use your voice again. The following night remove the chair from the room and begin to gradually lengthen the time you remain outside before going back in to reassure her. By now she should be settling far more quickly alone and it is for you to decide how long you can leave her before going back.

These are the basic principles of the gradual withdrawal method. It can take time, it certainly takes determination but you are teaching your child a valuable skill.

Helping your daughter to be in a better routine throughout the day again will take persistence and consistency. Decide on the area you want to tackle first rather than trying too many changes upon her all at once. Looking through your notes it would seem that her eating habits vary; she drinks quite a bit of milk for a toddler of this age and has access to drinks throughout the day. Decide when her main meal of the day will be, either at lunchtime or at 5pm and stay with this. Begin to monitor how much fluid she is drinking between meals as this may be having a big effect on her appetite. It would be better to decide on “snack time” in the morning and afternoon. Offer your daughter either a piece of fruit or a rice cake, along with a drink of water or well diluted juice. If she is not interested after 20 minutes clear the snack away and don’t offer her anything else until her next meal. Unless you feel she is desperately thirsty offer her a drink only at snack times and with her meals. This may well help her appetite improve. At breakfast begin to offer her less milk in her sippy cup. The amount she is taking now is probably taking her appetite away. At her age the minimum amount of milk including that used in cooking and on cereals is 350mls daily. Your daughter is taking almost double that in drink alone.

Make meals social occasions and try to eat at least one meal a day with her, having the same food. Give her small portions so she is not overwhelmed by what is on the plate. After 20 minutes end the meal no matter how much or how little she has eaten. Offer her a small dessert if you feel she needs it, but don’t use desserts as a bribe for eating her main course. If she refuses her meal, take it away and don’t offer her alternatives. End the meal and wait until her next scheduled snack time, or meal before offering her food and drink again.

Once her night time sleep has improved you may well notice your daughter beginning to take a longer daytime nap. At present she is probably overtired through her repeated night time waking and so unable to settle better at lunchtime. Build quiet periods into her day as well as giving her plenty of physical and outdoor time. Sit together and look at a book or help her with a jigsaw for 10 minutes. Again, having some kind of routine in the day can help. If you have days when you attend toddler activities or classes make the rest of the day quiet and spent playing at home. On the days when you have all day to yourself decide when you will go outside for a walk. Often the hour or so before tea is a good time to do this. The more predictable and regular your little girl’s day is the more she will be able to settle for naps and at night time.