Sleeping FAQ: 12-18 Months – Settling/Sleep Associations

Since returning to work my 17-month-old takes a long time to settle in the evening.

My son has always slept well and pretty much slept and ate when your routine stated. He is now 17 months old. I have gone back to work and see him in the morning and evening. He will not settle to sleep until 9pm. It’s exhausting and very upsetting for me as I feel very guilty for leaving him to go back to work. His daytime sleep is for 1 hour 15 minutes either in his cot or in his buggy depending on his daily activities. This is at 1-2.15pm.

I bath him at 6.15pm which is followed by his bottle of milk and lots of wind down time with books etc. However, when I try to put him to bed he screams and cries and shakes the cot. I have tried leaving him to cry going in every 15 minutes to reassure him but he still will not settle. After many attempts he will eventually go off to sleep at 9pm.
Please help. I need my evenings back with my husband.

It is never easy trying to get the balance of work and caring for your child. It is totally normal to feel guilty about it but you do need your evenings to unwind and your son needs his sleep. Toddlers of this age can be very perceptive and aware of an adult who feels guilty and so play on it to make you feel worse. They also can get over tired and wound up if they stay up for too long after their bath. Of course you wish to spend time with him. Sharing books at the end of the day with a toddler is delightful. But as his mother you do need to set the limits and put a routine in place which allows you time with your son but where he knows that when it is bedtime it is time for sleeping. There is no solution which will stop this behaviour overnight. If you handle it sensitively but within the limits you as the mother set, he should begin to accept your absences and returns better. It will take time for him to adjust, but if handled with sensitivity and consistency he will.

Once he has had his bath with you allow him no longer than half an hour before he is in his cot. Decide how many books you will look at, two or three is plenty and then devise a bedtime ritual. This could be tooth brushing followed by saying good night to his favourite toys. You may sing him the same song each night and then tuck him in. Say: “good night” and “it’stime for sleeping, see you in the morning” and then leave. You could try putting on a tape of nursery songs or lullabies to give him something to listen too as he settles to sleep.

Depending how you feel about his crying there are two ways to cope with it. One is controlled crying where you leave him for slightly longer each time between visits. The full description of this method is found on p45 of the Complete Sleep Guide.

The other is gradual withdrawal which you may decide is better given that your son is obviously missing you and getting used to his new routine where he sees you in the mornings and evenings only. This method, found on p49 of the Sleep Guide does take longer to be effective. You also need to be consistent in your approach to it. To begin with you remain close to his cot and then gradually over the period of days you begin to move nearer and nearer the door but still letting him know you are within hearing. Another way to put it into practice is to leave the room, having said good night but tell your son you will come back in 2 minutes. Remain outside the door and tell him you will be back if he is crying. Go back in, settle him down and then leave the room telling him you will be back in two minutes. Again this method takes time and the loss of your evenings for another week or so but could help your son accept the daytime situation of you being away but knowing you will return.
Check with your nanny that your son is having lots of time outside spent running, climbing and generally playing as boys of this age do have endless energy. Although he may becoming overtired in the evenings, if he stays up too long after his bath, he does need to be physically tired at the end of the day.