Sleeping FAQ: 24+ Months – Settling/Sleep Associations

Hearing fireworks at night frightened my 2.5 yr son and now he cannot sleep unless I am with him.

My son has always slept well, only having a few blips, but nothing serious. I have never had trouble with him going to sleep, he very often says he is tired and asks to go to bed; we have a set routine which he loves and feels secure (well used to).

I have put a post about my problem titled ‘fireworks nightmare’ on the message boards and have had lots of advice but nothing that has made a difference, only worsened the dilemma. Now I feel I am giving mixed signals to both myself and Peter. I don’t know where we are or what we are doing.

I will do by best to recall exactly how it happened, but all the days are blurring into one.

About a week before Halloween the fire works started. My son has heard them before and asked about them but they never seemed to bother him. So I wasn’t ready for what was to follow. He goes to bed in the dark with the door shut at about 7.30pm, he usually will lie awake for 20mins 1/2 hr chatting to himself and then drop off to sleep until 7.30am.

This night he heard the fireworks and started to scream, asking “what’s that bang mummy?” I explained what they were and that there was nothing to worry about, settled him back down and went back downstairs. This happened a few more times until he was hysterical, so to my doom, I sat with him until he went to sleep. Once he as asleep he was fine and slept until the next morning. The same happened the next night and I sat with him again, his daytime sleep wasn’t affected, he went down as normal and I stupidly thought that once the fire works stopped, he would go back to being his normal happy self.

It has now been 4/5 weeks and it has got progressively worse, affecting his day time sleep as well. I can’t believe it has happened so fast and how I’ve got myself in such a mess now I can’t get him to go to sleep at all without me sitting with him. I have tried controlled crying but he is relentless.

Last night and to day for example:

In bed for 7.30pm, sat with him for 1 hr until he dropped off to sleep. He then woke up at 3.20am and refused to go back to sleep. I tried sitting with him but he just says he’s not tired and for me to get him out! (screaming) I refused to get him out of bed and said that if he was going to shout and scream that I wouldn’t stay with him and I was going back to bed, I tried returning every ten minutes to tell him to go to sleep, but this made no difference either. He has now been awake for 11hrs only having 7hrs sleep the night before, 8hrs before that etc. and I know by getting him out of bed for the toilet etc only reinforces the problem.

My son is severely sleep deprived and it is of course affecting everything he does. I am watching him deteriorate before my eyes.

He eats three good meals a day and sleeps for 1.15 hr at lunchtime, from 1-2.15pm.

It can be so upsetting when a child who enjoyed his bedtime, as your son did, has now become so upset through no fault of your own.

His initial fright may well have been caused by the fireworks going off as he was just going off to sleep and he was startled awake once or twice.

Don’t blame yourself for sitting with him on those first few nights. It is what any parent would naturally do when their child is frightened by something. Especially as fireworks nearby are totally beyond your control. Now your son needs to learn that you will still be nearby when he goes to bed, but not sitting beside him.

Put a night light in his room which you can switch off once he is asleep or leave the door open slightly when he first goes to bed. This way he can learn once again to fall asleep alone but with the reassuring noises of the house audible to him.

Use the gradual withdrawal method. There will not be an instant result, however, as the problem has now gone on for several weeks. While he is having these disturbed nights bring his bedtime earlier, if possible. As he may be taking longer to settle he needs to be in bed by 7pm-7.10pm even if it means putting your younger son to bed slightly earlier as well. If he continues to go to sleep late in the evening and wake in the night the circle of sleep deprivation will get worse. Only move his bedtime back to 7.30pm again when he is settling well by himself at all naps and sleeps.

Once you have said good night and settled him down, sit near to his cot/bed but don’t look at him or touch him. Keep your head averted even if you are aware he is looking at you. If he tries to engage you in conversation just answer the same words each time: “It’s time to go to sleep now” or something similar, but keep it simple. Your presence should be enough to reassure him so he settles to sleep in 15-20minutes. It may take longer on the first few nights but stay with it. As he did take a while to fall asleep in the past, before this problem, he may continue to do so but once he is no longer frightened of falling asleep he should start to settle quicker than in the past few weeks. Each night move yourself slightly further towards the door and continue not be drawn into conversation.

Once your position is by the door, and he is settling quicker, then you need to begin to leave the room for very short periods. Reassure him from outside the room that you will be back and, to begin with, only leave him 30-40 seconds. You should be able to lengthen the time but always tell him you will come back. There is a case study in The Complete Sleep Guide, p168, which has an explanation of this method. Although it involves a child who constantly got out of bed it shows how the reassurance is a vital part of getting the gradual withdrawal method to work.

Once your son is better at settling again leave him once you have said good night, but tell him you will be back to check on him in two or three minutes, after you have been to the loo or whatever. Your son should be able to settle himself by now, although it would be advisable to leave his door slightly ajar until he is asleep so you can go in and out checking him at increasingly longer intervals.

At the same time as carrying out this method make him a colourful star chart to encourage him to fall asleep without making a fuss. If you can think of something he would like as a small incentive it may encourage him. Explain to him he needs to collect 4 or 6 stars to get it. This will visually show him how he is getting better at going to bed without crying too much. As the problem has spilled over into the lunchtime nap, when there are no fireworks going off, the use of this chart could encourage him to begin to settle better at this time as well. Use the gradual withdrawal method in the same way as at night time so he becomes used to settling with you in the room but not interacting with you.

As your son has begun to wake during night as well, then you can also use this method to settle him at those times. If you are consistent at all his naps and sleep times he should settle down again quite soon. If he wants to go to the loo when he wakes in the early hours of the morning use a potty in his room, to avoid him waking fully by being taken out to the loo. Again using the incentive of his chart could help him to settle back at this time without so much fuss. It is hard to be firm but fair in the early hours but try to just use the same words over and over again to him. “It is too early to be up yet, go back to sleep”. Then place yourself in the same position as the evening before and don’t have any contact with him.

With children this age you can sometimes use role play, using puppets or teddies to play out their fears and worries. It can really help them understand their own fear which at times is irrational.

Praise your son as he improves at settling. Positive talking about what a big boy he is will help him over this time. If possible give him some one-to-one time with you, maybe at weekends, or encourage your partner to take him on “boys” outings.