How can I get my nine-month daughter Kate to be less wary of people?
How can I get my nine-month daughter Kate to be less wary of people? We live in a small village, which is a close and friendly community. Until about a month ago, Kate would smile happily at everyone, but now she turns her head away when people speak to her. My neighbour, whom Kate has known since birth, would love to look after her occasionally, but Kate just wants to be beside me the whole time. I tried leaving Kate last week for an hour, but it was a disaster and in the end I brought her home as she was crying so much. How can I get her to be more relaxed with friends and neighbours?
Living in a close-knit community makes it difficult to understand Kate’s growing wariness of strangers. But this is all part of her emotional development. She is beginning to be aware of new situations and unfamiliar people. A few months ago she would respond to any smiling face, but now she is more discerning. This wariness of strangers is connected with a growing anxiety about being separated from you. She is appreciating that you are a separate being, not just an extension of her. This period of anxiety and wariness often coincides with the time a baby learns to crawl. She now has the means to leave you, and has realised that you can also leave her.
Coping with this milestone needs gentle handling. It will usually peak between ten and eighteen months. These months can feel overwhelming as she clings to your side, and you may feel that you will never have a life of your own. But it is a phase and it will pass. Be aware and sympathetic, but also help her to overcome some of her anxiety.
When out in the village, greet people yourself, talk to Kate about who you are meeting and let Kate respond with a smile if she wishes. Explain to others that Kate is feeling a bit shy today. Some adults have forgotten or don’t understand this period in a baby’s life and may try to get to close to her. Put yourself in her position. Being approached by an unfamiliar person who wants to touch you straight away is a most disconcerting feeling.
Some babies become very clingy even in their own homes. They cannot bear if you so much as leave the room. Overwhelming as it is, try to keep Kate in view, scooping her up as you move around the house, rather than trying to slip upstairs quickly. Playing games of peek-a-boo will help her to understand that, even if she can’t see something, it is still there. If Kate is crawling, play simple games of hide and seek behind the furniture.
If you haven’t already joined a mother and toddler group, try to find one locally. This will help both you and her to socialise in a safe setting. She may sit near you for the first few sessions, but once her confidence grows she will begin to crawl away fascinated by the other babies and children. Also, getting her used to staying for short periods with someone other than immediate family is a good idea. Even if you are not intending to return to work, it is good for both of you to have short breaks from each other. Have a cup of coffee and a chat with your neighbour and let Kate become familiar with the surroundings. Once you feel she is used to the house, and your neighbour seems to be getting on well with her, try leaving her there for a short time. Take one or two favourite toys and go inside the house to settle her in. Give her ten minutes warning that you are leaving, but will be back soon. Don’t sneak out, even if she appears content. That will only make her more anxious about you leaving her. She may cry as you leave, and you will probably feel unhappy yourself, but keep smiling and tell her you will see her later. Make the first separation a short one. Twenty minutes to half and hour is long enough. Build up the time very slowly, unless she appears quite happy with the arrangement. You are building up her trust in you to return, so she copes with separations more easily.
This period in a baby’s life can be difficult for you as it may feel as if you have no life of your own. Although you feel frustrated by her attachment, you may also feel guilty at wanting time to yourself. Don’t worry – this is all part of motherhood. And spending a short time on your own will benefit everyone.