At 10.5mths my son is very clingy, especially when we are alone together
I wonder of there is any advice you could give to help my baby form being wingey and clingy. He hangs onto my legs if I am washing up etc and wants to be picked up most of the time. He is very active and enjoys being around his older brother and he likes going to play centers. But when we are at home he just wants my constant attention, more so in the mornings whether there is anyone around or not. Have you any tips?
At this stage in your son’s development he will become very interested in you, his primary caregiver. As he has become more mobile, and can explore his surroundings, he needs you to share his discoveries and help him understand the world he sees. He is mastering new skills all the time. If you watch him as he plays you will see that he is beginning to work things out as a sequence rather than a series of random and unconnected happenings. You may observe him looking at a toy to first see how it works before trying to make it work himself. He may be aware that he must perform one action, for example picking up a shape for a posting box and looking at it, before performing the next action, trying to find the correct hole for it. A few weeks ago he may have pulled all his toys apart but now he is beginning to try to put them together again.
In their book “The Wonder Weeks- how to turn your babies 8 great fussy phases into magical leaps forward”, Hetty Vanderijt and Frans Ploof describe the last fussy phase of the first year of life as happening around 46 weeks[ 10.5mths]. It can be a time of frustration for your son as he is desperate to find out how things work but his manipulative skills may not always be as advanced and so he is unable to manage on his own all the tasks he would like to be able to do. He is able to take things apart but may still need some help in putting things together. As he is acquiring these skills his behaviour may be clingy and whiney especially towards you, whom he views as the centre of his world. You are the one who can help him progress and manage these tasks he so dearly would like to accomplish.
It is fine to know why your son is behaving in this way but what can you do to help this phase pass? You do need to accomplish other tasks around the house rather than giving your undivided attention to your son during his waking hours. It is good for him to learn how to amuse himself for short periods but the more you help him through this phase by keeping him near to you the quicker it should pass.
It may be time to go through the toy box and remove those toys which he has now grown out of. Find him simple posting boxes, tray puzzles, Duplo building bricks as well as wooden blocks. He may enjoy a toy telephone as he will begin to copy you and the things you do as part of your daily routine. Find him toys which involve several actions to gain a result. There are plenty around which need the baby to pull or push a lever, turn a key or insert a shape for the reward to pop up.
Finding toys which are within your son’s comprehension is important. Just as he will be bored with toys which are too young for him he will quickly lose interest in those which are too advanced for his skills. By the time he is able to manage them he will have seen them for too long and so not be interested any more. It is better to have just a few toys which are really suitable for his stage than buy too many and find he is uninterested in any of them. He will still prefer your company more than anything else and the more you interact with him, even if just by talking, the quicker he will be able to pass through this phase. If you are washing up, sit him up in his high chair near to you. He then can actually see what you are doing instead of just hearing the tantalizing splashing sounds coming from above his head. He may enjoy playing with some plastic utensils or containers along with some small blocks or small plastic shapes. Babies of this age love to empty and fill containers. If you really want to get on with a few chores around the kitchen set him up with a small water play area. There will be some mess and you may need to undress him down to his vest and nappy or find an all in one cover up but he will be content to sit on the floor [ suitably protected] with a small washing up bowl of water and several small items which he can use for pouring. Water play calms and soothes most children and babies. With a little thought you can provide it quite easily. As long as you stay close by let him explore and investigate for as long as he wants.
As your son is with you so much he is bound to want to copy what you do. The grown up world is fascinating to a baby. They do not distinguish between their toys and the things their parents use on a daily basis. At this age it may help if you designate one low drawer in the kitchen as his. Fill it with small plastic containers, wooden spoons and other utensils, providing they have no sharp bits. There can be items which will have a shorter shelf life, such as the inner tubes from loo rolls, but are equally fascinating to him. If you are cooking and he wants to be with you encourage him to explore in his drawer as you stand beside him.
It can take longer to get things done around the house when you have a baby in tow but take him with you wherever you go and talk to him about what you are doing. He is interested in your world and wants to understand it more. He needs your help to do this.
Getting your son to play for short periods alone is possible. The best way to get him to do this is to play alongside him for a short while. Let him take the lead and find out for himself how his toys work but be there to encourage and give him a helping hand if he needs it. Once you have been beside him for a while move to a chair or sofa near to him. This way you are still in sight but are getting him used to playing on his own for a little while. Don’t expect him to be happy for long periods of time. He is just not capable of that at this stage. Work on getting him to play alone for slightly longer periods, every day or so. If he manages five minutes the first day then try to increase it to seven or eight on the second or third day. Asking him to wait for a “few moments” before he gets your attention is fine, and should be encouraged but be realistic as to how long at this age he is able to wait. He lives in the here and now and has no concept of time.
If your son does not like you to disappear from sight for any length of time always invite him to join you by waiting for him to follow you. Or if he just sits and cries when you leave a room, scoop him up and take him with you. Playing lots of games of peek-a-boo and simple hide-and-seek can help if your baby does have separation anxiety. As with most childhood problems this is a phase which in time will pass. Pushing him to play alone or not interacting with him whilst he is clinging to your legs will probably only prolong the phase. Finding ways to involve him as much as you can with what you are doing will help him get through this phase and move on to the next.