Development FAQ: 24+ months – Behaviour

My daughter, Abigail (age 2 ¾), has recently become very much more cuddly with me than she usually is. I’m very happy about this, but it is slightly unusual because she’s started calling herself ‘Baby Abigail’. She wants to be held on my lap like a baby and cuddled – she’s even suggested sitting on my knee like this and having her milk (which she hasn’t done since she was 9 months when she started having her milk in a beaker). Yesterday we were having a cuddle and she said ‘Baby Abigail’ and leaned back so I could rock her, pulled my T-shirt up and said ‘Mummy’s booby milk’. She hasn’t had a breastfeed since she was six months old and her one-year-old brother Thomas was last breastfed two months ago. I just said ‘No, Abigail has milk from a cup’ and then distracted her. However, I feel bad for her. Do you think the birth of her brother Thomas has had more of an impact on her than I realized? In every other way she has always seemed fine and has shown no jealousy or anger towards her brother – although she has become slightly more aggressive towards me.

Yes, I think that Abigail has undoubtedly been affected by Thomas’ arrival. Children are always affected by the birth of a sibling in one way or another and often it is not clear in what way until some time later. However, this is not in any way a negative thing and it sounds as if Abigail has been reflecting on what has been happening. It is extraordinary how children remember things at different times, often totally unrelated to the context of what is happening now. For you, it seems that breastfeeding was over and done with and it was then a surprise when Abigail raised it again as an issue by signalling to you that she still remembered it, obviously with fondness. Abigail asking for ‘Mummy’s booby milk’ may be viewed as her acting out what she had been observing for the previous number of months when Thomas was being fed. She was imitating what her little brother and mother had been doing. Children often act out scenes they have experienced or observed, such as being sick, going to the doctor, playgroup etc with their toys or willing participants and this is their way of making sense of the world. It sounds as if this is what she was doing with you. In addition, Abigail may be seeking comfort in a way that she has seen Thomas do when younger as well as it being a way of getting one-to-one attention from you. Abigail’s position in the family has also been displaced, in that the role of being a baby has been transferred to Thomas, and she is now the older sister. However, Abigail is still very young herself. I think it is always interesting looking at the position of children in families and what happens following the birth of siblings. For example, if Abigail was the youngest child in the family, rather than the oldest, you would probably regard her as your baby and perhaps the cuddling, being held like a baby and so on would feel less unusual. The aggression you refer to may also be a way for Abigail to claim your attention as well as assert herself within the house.

To help Abigail adjust to the huge change which she is obviously experiencing, you could focus on her positive behaviour- for example, when she playing appropriately, giving you a cuddle, sharing with her little brother and so on – by praising her and giving her a cuddle which will ensure that she does get your attention. Your strategy of reinforcing for Abigail that she drinks from a cup and then ignoring her request was totally appropriate as you are giving her the message she has moved on from being a baby and not giving her the attention for wanting to be like one. At such times, you could develop this by focusing on the more age-appropriate activities which Abigail enjoys and which you can do together, to reinforce the many positives for her in getting older.