I am concerned that my six-year-old son displays sexualised behaviour. He will try to fondle my bottom or grope my breasts. Last week he tried to pummel a little girl with his penis on a play-date. He tries to spy on me in the shower. His father and I are separated, but my son stays with him every fortnight for a few days. Last week he said something about Daddy getting into the bath with his penis, and then when I asked him calmly what exactly Daddy had been doing he went silent. And recently my ex-partner showed me videos he had taken in which my son and his cousin (six months older and female) were dancing naked – he explained how the two cousins like to experiment and examine each other’s bodies and compare their differences. I was very disturbed by this. Am I over-reacting?
No, I think your reaction is totally understandable. Your maternal instinct tells you this is wrong. Of course, it’s true that children of this age often show sexual curioisity about their bodies – that’s part of normal development – and they may even play the ‘you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-mine’ game. And the challenge for parents when they see their child involved in these normal activities is to encourage the notions of privacy and sensitivity so that their child learns to behave appropriately without feeling guilty.
However, like you, I am concerned that your son’s sexualised behaviour appears to have gone far beyond this natural childhood inquisitiveness. From your description of the videos and other incidents, it could easily be inferred that your ex-partner is actually encouraging your six-year-old to become involved in totally inappropriate sexual activities. That would be troubling enough by itself. What makes matters worse, however, is that your son’s father sees nothing wrong in this. His obliviousness to your worries suggests that he doesn’t really understand your six-year-old’s developmental needs; and you also face the realistic possibility that the problem will simply escalate with time if you don’t take some action now.
I suggest the following. Have confidence in your own parenting values and be prepared to stick to them. Talk directly to your ex-partner about what troubles you. Explain the unsuitability of all these (and possibly other) sexual activities involving your six-year-old. Calmly but firmly insist that they must cease immediately. Point out that they can only exert a negative influence on his development. Let’s hope that your ex sees sense and follows your advice.
If he doesn’t take your views seriously, I strongly suggest you seek professional advice either from your GP or from your local social services department. I know this is a difficult situation for you, and that you don’t want to damage family relationships any further, but your responsibility to keep your son safe totally over-rides that anxiety. Start the process today.