Your questions answered

I am six months pregnant and, like many new mothers-to-be, I am concerned about how I am going to cope with the sleepless nights. My antenatal class stresses the importance of demand-feeding, that new babies should be fed when they need it and that I should not attempt a routine in the early days. I am concerned that if I try to follow your routines, I may be denying my baby food when he is really hungry.

The CLB routines are not about denying babies a feed when they are really hungry. Quite the opposite. My main concern about demand-feeding with very young babies is that a great many babies do not demand to be fed in the very early days. This can lead to many serious problems, the main one being that a baby who is not feeding from the breast will not stimulate the breast to produce enough milk. We therefore arrive at the situation, three or four weeks down the line, where a mother is trying to feed her baby and not producing enough milk. A vicious circle then evolves where the mother is feeding the baby every 1–2 hours, night and day, to try to satisfy his needs – but by this time, exhaustion has set in. This is one of the main reasons why the milk supply decreases and women find they have to stop breast-feeding. In the very early days I always advise a mother to assume that, if the baby is crying, then hunger is possibly the main reason why, and the baby should be fed. However, I do stress that if a baby is continually crying and unhappy, then you should also look for reasons why the baby cannot last the three hours between feeds. Often the baby has not been latched on properly to the breast and, while he may appear to be constantly sucking for up to an hour, much of the time he is not actually drinking well. This is why mothers who are breast-feeding and finding that their baby is not going happily for 2–3 hours between feeds should always seek advice from an experienced breast-feeding counsellor. The majority of healthy babies weighing more than 2.7kg (6lbs) at birth, who regain their birth weight within a couple of weeks and are putting on around 180g a week, should manage to go three hours (or perhaps a little more) between feeds but this will only happen if the baby receives enough milk to satisfy his needs.

Top Tip

Always remember that three-hourly feeding means you count three hours from the beginning of one feed to the beginning of the next, irrespective of how long the feed itself takes.

Do I really have to wake my newborn baby up to feed him? He wants to sleep all the time and I am tempted to leave him.

I do understand. It is a great temptation when you are tired from the birth to catch up on rest during the daytimes while your baby sleeps. But your baby will only be this sleepy for a few short weeks and he will then increasingly want to be awake, playing and having social time with you and others. He won’t know the difference between day and night, and unless you gently guide him into a routine, you could end up with him wide awake and wanting to play games at 4am. So, yes, I do stress the importance of implementing three-hourly feeding (or sooner if your baby is hungry) during the first week to ensure that the breasts are stimulated enough to increase the mother’s milk production. Waking the baby three-hourly throughout the day will ensure that the baby will more than likely only wake once in the night between 12am and 6am. A mother who is well-rested and relaxed will be much more likely to produce a more abundant milk supply than a mother who is tired and stressed. In the long term you will both benefit from establishing this pattern.

Several friends and relations have said that it is cruel to wake a sleeping baby and that he will wake up when he is ready to feed. I am a very organised person and feel that following a routine would be best for both my baby and me, but I am frightened that I could do some sort of psychological or physical damage to my baby by waking him.

It is obvious that the people who say it is cruel to wake a sleeping baby to feed him have never had to care for very premature or sick babies as I have. Waking these babies on a regular basis so they fed little and often was the only way to ensure their survival. Over the years, watching these babies grow up into young children, I have never seen any of them showing any psychological or physical damage. I am convinced that there is a bigger risk of such damage to both baby and mother if a situation arises where a baby is up and demanding to be fed every hour in the night. In the early days I advise feeding a baby little and often to establish breast-feeding. Sometimes this will involve waking him but I advise that, should a young baby demand feeding before three hours, then he must, of course, be fed. A pattern will quickly be established for both you and your baby from which you will both benefit.

The current advice is that parents should have their baby in the same room as them for all sleeps, for the first six months. I am concerned that my baby will not sleep well in our living room for naps and in the evening and that it will be difficult to get him used to sleeping in his nursery when he does reach six months. How easy is it to establish your routines while also adhering to the new guidelines?

The latest advice is that your baby should be put down for all his sleeps in the room you are in until he is six months old during the day and at night. However, getting your baby used to his own room sooner rather than later can help you avoid disrupting and unsettling him when he reaches six months. You can make the nursery a peaceful haven for him by using it for nappy changing, feeding and wind-down or quiet play time.

In terms of settling your baby to sleep in your living space, try to keep things as quiet as possible for him to help distinguish between ‘awake’ time and time for sleeping. Keep everything calm and quiet. It is unlikely that you will have a cot both in your bedroom and in your living space, therefore a pram with a proper firm mattress would be an acceptable option. Follow the same guidelines for settling your baby in the pram as those given for settling him in a cot: place him in the pram with his feet at the bottom, and firmly tuck in any sheets and blankets. Putting the hood up during sleep times will help keep out the light and help your baby to sleep better.

Lastly, remember that these recommendations are only for the first six months, and that after that time you can start to settle your baby in his own room for naps and night-time sleep (see here for advice on how to make the transition easier for him).

Is it true that you say that babies should not be cuddled? I keep reading that babies need lots of physical affection and attention in order for them to feel secure.

I have always stressed the importance of physical contact and affection with your baby. However, I do say that parents should make sure that the cuddling and affection they give is to satisfy their baby’s emotional needs before their own. Sometimes when a baby is crying, it is because he just needs to go to sleep; too much cuddling when he is tired can simply make your baby more tired and irritable. And, crucially, there is a difference between cuddling your baby and cuddling him to sleep. If he gets used to the latter, it will create a dependence that you will have to break at some point – and it is much easier to get him used to settling himself to sleep at three weeks of age than three months or three years.

While I would like a routine when my baby is born, I do not want to leave him to cry for long spells.

I would never advise that young babies should be left to cry for lengthy periods of time to get themselves to sleep. I do stress that some overtired babies will fight sleep and they should be allowed 5–10 minutes’ ‘crying-down’ period. They should never be left for any longer than this before they are checked again. I also stress that a baby should never be left crying for even 2–3 minutes if there is any doubt that he could be hungry or need winding. With some babies who have reached six months or a year and are waking several times a night because they have learned the wrong sleep associations, brought on by demand-feeding or being rocked or cuddled to sleep, it may be that some form of sleep training needs to be used.

In my book, Your Baby and Toddler Problems Solved, I stress that any form of sleep training is always a last resort to get a baby over six months to sleep during the night and should only ever be used once parents are absolutely sure that the baby is not waking up because he is hungry, or he is sleeping too much during the day. The majority of sleep problems that I deal with through my consultancy are nearly always resolved without controlled crying because, by ensuring that parents get the feeding and sleeping right, in the majority of cases the baby will start to sleep better and longer naturally at night. However, if a baby has learned the wrong sleep associations and has to be constantly rocked or fed to sleep, then sometimes the only solution is some form of sleep training. It is important that before commencing sleep training you take your baby to see the GP to check there are no medical problems. The whole aim of the CLB routines is to ensure from the very beginning that the baby’s needs are being met so that he does not need to cry for any length of time. The guidelines I give are also to help mothers understand the different reasons why a baby may cry. If a baby is in a routine from a very early age the mother will quickly learn to understand and hence anticipate his needs. I have found that this results in the baby crying very seldom – around 5–10 minutes a day in my experience, and only for a very short period until they have learned to self-settle themselves.

I have read that on your routines a baby should not be fed in the middle of the night once he reaches 12 weeks. Surely all babies are different and a baby should not be forced to go without food if he is really hungry?

Some babies, particularly breast-fed babies, may need to be fed around 5/6am until they are fully weaned, which can be anywhere up to seven or eight months of age. The majority of babies I have cared for personally would sleep through the night (i.e. from the late feed to 6–7am) somewhere between eight and twelve weeks. The huge feedback that I receive from readers would indicate that this does seem to be the average age at which babies forming routines would sleep for a longer spell. Each baby, of course, is an individual, but if your baby does not sleep through the night until he is seven months old, neither you, nor I, nor your baby has ‘failed’. My routines are there to help you begin to structure your days and nights, and perseverance will pay off when your baby is ready. How quickly a baby sleeps through the night is very much determined by his weight and the amount of milk he is capable of drinking at each feed during the day. Some babies who are only capable of drinking small amounts at each feed would obviously need a feed in the night for longer than a baby who is capable of drinking a larger amount at each feed during the day. The aim of the CLB routines is not to push the baby through the night as quickly as possible or to deny the baby a feed in the night if he genuinely needs it. It is to ensure that the baby receives most of his nutritional needs during the day so that when he is physically and mentally ready to go through the night he will automatically do so. The feedback I have had, along with my many years of experience caring for babies, confirms this approach works.

I read a message from a mother in an Internet parenting chatroom that she is very lonely and depressed following your routines as it leaves her no time to get out and meet other mothers.

I have always said that putting a young baby into a routine can be very demanding on the parents, particularly in the early weeks. However, by the time a baby is 2–3 months of age, a pattern has usually emerged where the baby can stay awake for longer periods during the day and sleep for longer periods at night. In my experience of working with thousands of mothers, their social outings were certainly restricted for the first 2–3 weeks but after that I cannot recall many mothers who did not manage to meet their friends most afternoons between 2pm and 5pm or at playgroups in the mornings. It is important not just to read the routine for your baby’s age, but also the whole concept of the routines as found in the feeding and sleeping chapters (3 and 4 respectively). Once you have an understanding of how the routines work, you will then find that you are able to tweak and adjust routines during the day, without it affecting the night-time sleep. The mothers I have worked with have all felt that it is worth putting in the hard work at the beginning because the result is a contented baby who sleeps well at night and enjoys his social times during the day. A mother who has had a good night’s sleep will be able to enjoy her days more, too!

I always advise mothers, in the early days, to try to ensure that at least every second day they arrange for a friend or relative to come and visit them so that they do not feel lonely or abandoned. I also stress the importance of a walk every day with the baby to get some fresh air. You can do this with friends – and chatting in the park is also a great way to meet other parents.

In your routines you tell mothers when to eat and drink. This strictness puts me off.

From my experience; in the early days mothers are often exhausted and put their own needs – even the basics like eating and drinking – at the bottom of their list of priorities. Struggling with a newborn on your own can mean that you find yourself at teatime having only had a piece of toast and half a cup of tea. As a nursing mum, you need to eat plenty of food regularly and to drink plenty of water in order to produce enough milk for your baby and to keep up your own energy levels. I know that many people using my routines refer to the book several times a day so the hours suggested for breakfast, lunch and for drinking lots of water are just a gentle reminder not to neglect yourself – and they fit in with what your baby is doing, helping make it easier for you to care for yourself, too.

Why are your routines so rigid? Surely half an hour here or there won’t make much difference?

The New Contented Little Baby Book contains over 10 different routines taking you from week one of your baby’s life, right up to the end of his first year. They have been carefully compiled to allow for the fact that your baby will be growing and changing. As he goes through his first three months, he will gradually need less and less daytime sleep as he will be enjoying being awake and sociable. He needs stimulation and fun during the day. He will need weaning at some point (current guidelines recommend exclusive breast-feeding for six months). His sleeping and feeding needs are constantly changing throughout his first year of life. In my experience, adapting to your baby’s changing needs is best done slowly and steadily. My routines are specific in order to help you to make those gradual changes. Once your baby is sleeping for 12 hours every night, you will feel a huge sense of relief and he will be getting the long, deep sleep that he needs for healthy growth and development. My routines are designed around babies’ natural rhythms and they work. You do not have to stick rigidly to them, but half an hour can have a knock-on effect which disrupts the rest of your day and, possibly, your night. For example, if your day begins nearer 8am than 7am, you will find your baby has a later nap at around 1pm. If he doesn’t wake until after 3pm you will find it difficult to get him to settle at 7pm, as he is unlikely to be sleepy by then. If the last feed of the day is nearer 8pm, you could find as a result that he does not want his 10pm feed and will wake up in the night. This is certainly not the end of the world occasionally but, over a period of time and as his nutritional needs change, you could find night waking continues, leaving you exhausted and less able to enjoy your baby.

I have been trying to follow your routines for four weeks but my baby is not remotely near fitting in with them. I feel like a failure and wonder if I should just give up and let her feed and sleep whenever she wants.

It can be very difficult in the early days, and many parents understandably feel it would be easier on them if they let the baby decide what she wants to do. Bear in mind you are recovering from the birth, and looking after a baby, routine or not, is extremely hard work. My routines make sure the hard work is limited to as short a period as possible. Think how hard it would be if your baby was still waking up in the night at nine months old. I can assure you it is worth persevering.

Don’t necessarily expect instant contentment, but the result of sticking with the routines in the first weeks is a more enjoyable babyhood and toddlerhood for you and your child. When your baby does fit in, and she will very soon, I can guarantee you will never regret the effort you put in to follow the routines in the first few weeks. The routines are there to help guide you and your baby into what represents the baby’s natural patterns and rhythms. Remember that you are not ‘failing’ if your baby doesn’t fit in; just keep going, taking a day at a time. As every experienced parent and grandparent will be telling you – the first few months go very quickly.

Start each day at 7am and attempt to follow the day’s routine, but if it has gone pear-shaped by lunchtime, because your baby is wide awake at nap time and sleepy during the social times I suggest, don’t panic. Keep repeating the same pattern of feeds and sleeps every day as best you can and your baby will pick it up very soon. If she is crying for food before the recommended time and you have tried distracting her or playing with her then you must, of course, feed her. If you really cannot rouse her from a sleep when it’s time to play, don’t give yourself or her a hard time. I found that by getting the baby up out of the cot when they are meant to be awake and having them in a bright room on their play mat, they will eventually wake up naturally, which is better than trying to force them to wake up. Looking after a baby on your own without the support of family close at hand can be very hard work. You are not alone in going through the experience, however, and you are certainly not a failure – it will get better!

Why are you so strict about avoiding eye contact at the late feed? I feel very cruel depriving my baby of cuddles and this close contact.

Please don’t deprive your baby of cuddles! Nowhere do I suggest you should not cuddle your baby. On the contrary, a baby who is being held close to his mother, whether breast-fed or bottle-fed, will enjoy his feed more and be ready to return to a contented sleep after he has been winded and settled down quietly. I advise avoiding too much eye contact, especially near the end of this feed, to ensure that he settles quickly. Your cuddles can be very close, but overstimulating him at wind-down time can cause him to become overtired and not settle well. He needs his sleep for his mental and physical development and without it he could become fretful, irritable and inconsolable. I feel it is better for the baby to be played with, sung to, shown interesting toys and books when he is wide awake during the day. Cuddling must be about your baby’s needs and not just your own.

Your routines are so strict. When can I enjoy my baby without worrying about what he should be doing next?

I sincerely hope that every parent enjoys his or her baby, from the first exciting day they come home from hospital, right through babyhood, toddlerhood and beyond. Every day is filled with opportunities for cuddling, playing, singing, reading, splashing in the bath, tickling toes while nappy changing and chatting to your baby. But it is beyond doubt that a contented baby who is well-fed and rested at the right times is best able to appreciate and participate in these activities. My routines are there to support and help you find a structure to your days that will result in a contented baby, and once you get to understand them better you will see that they are not really so strict. Having a routine allows you the opportunity to have a much better social life than if you don’t know from one day to the next when your baby is going to feed or sleep. I appreciate and respect that routines are not for everyone, however, and if you feel stressed by following a routine then stop trying for a few days and then see how you feel having less structure in your day. The aim of my routines is to help you have a contented, happy baby and also to help you avoid long-term problems such as: overtiredness due to over-stimulation; sleep association where a baby has to be rocked to sleep or driven round the block; or continual night wakings which leave you feeling exhausted each morning. Should any of these problems develop, you could turn to my book later on for help.

Bonding evolves slowly over many weeks, and for many mothers without help or support there can be, along with feelings of joy and love for a new baby, feelings of sheer exhaustion, failure and frustration. Nights of broken sleep do not help and mothers often contact me because they feel guilty and resentful that they are not enjoying their babies. Weeks of sleep-deprivation caused by endless middle-of-the-night feeding is bound to hamper bonding and enjoyment of your baby. My routines are there to help you and your baby, not to cause stress, anxiety or feelings of inadequacy. Understanding them will help enormously.

Q I have a toddler as well as a new baby to care for and I cannot seem to get your routines to work around both of them.

This is an important point and I have covered adapting routines to fit in with school runs and older children in my books The Contented Toddler Years and The Contented Baby with Toddler Book. Many mothers find that school runs or nursery for older children mean that the nap times I suggest are not workable. If you used my routines with your first child, you will at least find the 7am start and 7pm bedtime already established in your household. Your toddler may still take a lunchtime nap if he is under three and this can combine nicely with the baby’s nap. You might even get an overlap of half an hour to yourself! I suggest that you concentrate on sticking to my suggested total amounts of daytime sleep. So if you have to adapt your baby’s daytime sleep around your toddler’s routine, try not to let the baby exceed the recommended amount of daily sleep. Then bedtime will at least be guaraYounteed and you can have an evening to rest and recover from caring for two young children.

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