Development FAQ: 24+ months – Behaviour

My three year old rules the house.

My daughter Emily-Jo is getting worse by the day. It’s getting to the point that my husband and I are arguing about her all the time. She is constantly demanding things she wants, and never stops until we give in to her. This behavior could go on and on for days.

She never listens to us, and always manages to get her own way. I have tried to calm her down, but nothing works. She doesn’t sleep well so that does not help either.

She is currently under hospital supervision as my health visitor thought that she might have signs of “ADHD”, but the specialist told me that she was too young to suffer from that condition, and that she is very bright for her age. She also told me to put her in her room when she is naughty but it did not work as within 2 minutes, she undid all the child locks to open all the windows in her room, and leaned out of them.

We also have a 14 month old son Cody, and he has started watching her all the time to copy things she does. She also attacks him if we are not watching her, by biting him, twisting his arms or legs, or picking him up by the neck then dropping him. We are at are our wits end with her.

She is due to start nursery in two weeks and everyone tells me she will calm down, but I am not confident that it will make a difference. Do you have any ideas how I can deal with this behavior ?

It is very wearing for parents dealing with a toddler who is as demanding as this. There are several issues to consider here, aside from the bossiness you describe. Your little girl is also being aggressive towards your young son. I think you must decide which behaviour you wish to focus on in order to consider a way forward. I do not think you should leave it until she goes to nursery in the hope that it will calm down. Attending nursery may affect her behaviour in either a positive or a negative way, and equally, it may not have any impact at all on what is going on within your home environment.

Clearly she has been able to manipulate things within the house to such a large extent that both you and your husband are at your wits’ end. It is understandable that you feel like this, since she is wearing you both down and this is also affecting your relationship. You could choose to address the issue of her making demands first, or you could focus on her aggressive behaviour towards your younger son. I do not think you should try to do both at once, as they will require a substantial effort, and it is better to tackle things one at a time to give them your full attention. My advice to you is to tackle the one which is causing most harm – and that is the hostility towards your little boy.

Whatever you decide, the main point is for you and your husband to regain control over what goes on at home. It cannot be done if, as you describe, you are arguing with each other. This is an indication of your daughter’s strategy (albeit unconscious) of ‘divide and rule’. You and your husband must present a solid, impenetrable, indestructible, united front. This can only be achieved if you discuss with each other what to do, and what to say. We often advise parents and other adults dealing with difficult behaviour in children, to rehearse exactly the phrases they are going to use, so that the child really does hear the same message from each person. Decide with your husband what you are going to focus on first:the aggression or the demands. Then decide on the behaviour you do want to see from her, so that when you see it happening, you both recognise it. In order to address problem behaviour parents must be clear about exactly what they wish to alter, be specific, and know what the opposite of the bad behaviour will look like when it happens. So, for example, if you were running a video film of your daughter behaving well towards her brother, what is it that you would actually see her doing? It may help to write these things down, so that you can agree the types of behaviour you both wish to see and reward. This desirable behaviour must be observable and specific, such as “touch him gently with your hands”, not vague like “be nice to so and so”.

If you feel that no progress is being made, I suggest that you keep a note of the frequency and pattern of her aggressive behaviour. You may well find there is a pattern in terms of when it occurs, and then you can seek to distract her, supervise her more closely or separate them at these times. A tally of how often the behaviour occurs can tell you how effective your attempt to address it has been. You need to tell her in simple words. She will understand that she must not hurt her brother by touching or biting him. Tell and show her the sorts of things she can do with him, like stroking, singing, holding hands etc. Tell her that when she does these things you will be pleased with her, and when she does the others you will be very cross and take away things she likes. This could be toys or treats : you will know what things will have an impact on her if they are withdrawn. Only you and your husband can decide on these things. If necessary write them down. You must then carry out the negative sanction every time you see her behaving aggressively, even if she shows remorse and apologises. If you do not carry it out you will simply have set an elastic boundary. Such flexibility for young children is confusing and unhelpful in modifying their behaviour. She needs to learn from you and your husband that every time she does a certain thing, there will always be a given result. Every time. This is the hard bit, because it can take some children a while to learn it. Nevertheless, they will, if you keep applying the same sanctions for the same actions.

At the same time you will have agreed how to reward any positive behaviour she shows towards her brother. Such positive behaviour might simply be leaving him alone and not interfering with him at all. Comment on this behaviour by describing it in terms of her playing nicely by herself rather than making reference to what she shouldn’t be doing. So for example don’t say “Good girl you aren’t messing around with so and so”, but instead say “Well done, I’m pleased you are able to play nicely by yourself, tell/show me what you have been doing”. Your rewards could be anything from a smile and a hug, to a special time with you or a special “job” to be done. The rewards and sanctions have to be meaningful to the child. Often adults express their bewilderment at why a certain punishment doesn’t work. Unless it works it is not a punishment. Do not save either rewards or sanctions up until the end of a week. Even for teenagers, a delay can seriously reduce the effect. Reward and punish her as soon as you can, so that she connects her behaviour with the consequence.

With regard to the way in which she is behaving towards you and your husband : at the moment it seems that she has learned that to keep on demanding over a number of days eventually wears you down so that she gets what she wants. Undeniably, it is extremely difficult to put up with the constant whining and demands of young children. They seem to press buttons “irritate” and “annoy” very effectively. What you need to do, is arm yourself mentally against this and be prepared for it to happen. Equip yourselves with the tactic of ignoring or “not being able to hear” her. At the same time you need to offer her some special attention and “treats” when she does not expect or demand it, in order for you to regain control. If you need to respond to her demands, do so without emotion, and in a calm voice tell her that you can’t listen to her when she speaks like that. Then turn away and give her no eye contact until a different subject is raised.

Lastly, a starting point for your discussion with your husband: If your best friends were in the same situation with their little girl, what would you advise them to do? Discuss this first. It may give you a little bit of objectivity, and also shed some light on where you may agree and disagree.