Development FAQ: 24+ months – Behaviour

My son of 3yrs 4mths has started to bite at playschool. What should I do to stop this behavior and also his visits to me in the night?

My son has really been a CLB from the word go. He had an excellent routine, ate and slept with no problems at all. He started playschool in August which he loves. At the beginning of term, there were two little kids there who were biting and my son seemed to be at the receiving end of these bites.

However, now since October, my son has now started biting. It is clearly if another child tries to take something away from him or interferes with what he is doing. He does not bite outside of school and never at home as he is an only child at the moment. The teachers scold him and put him on the thinking chair and at home we then try to also enforce that biting is unacceptable.

Today, however, I got a call from the teacher that he had badly bitten the same little boy again, who provokes a lot of kids there. So, I spoke to him on the phone and then I went to pick him up from school to see if this would be a punishment as he really loves it there. I also took him to see the principal who he loves and he had some words with him. I took him home and told him that there is no TV today. Apart from all that, I’m not sure if there is anything else I could do.

He has also been waking up at 2.18am every night and coming into my room. I have tried the star chart and that worked for a while but he has gone back to waking up in the night again. This is a child that has been sleeping through the night since he was 3 months old. I have got rid of his daytime nap but that doesn’t seem to have made a difference.

Biting is something which most children do at some point. Knowing why it is happening should help you to deal with it. Your son feels threatened by another child and does not know how to deal with the situation. Having been bitten himself he is retaliating in a way known to him. He doesn’t want to lose his toy so he bites the other child to get him to go away.

At your son’s age you need to talk to him about how he feels when a child takes his toy away or interferes with what he is doing. A child who has not got the language skills to help him out of a situation is more likely to lash out or resort to biting. Use role play with his toys to help him find the words he needs to cope when faced with children who provoke him and situations when he may lash out. Practise various scenarios that he might face and each of you can take turns in being your son and the child who is provoking him.

Your way of dealing with his behaviour seems fair. He knows that you and playschool are in agreement about his behaviour. He is old enough to understand that bad behaviour is unacceptable and that there will always be a consequence for it.

As your son is an only child he could benefit from regular play dates with one other child to get him used to the idea of playing alongside and sharing his toys with other children.

To help him further, make sure you notice and praise good behaviour. If you see him sharing his toys or helping another child then comment on it. Don’t over praise but just quietly say to him, “That was kind of you to give your ball to John. Well done.”

To help your son stay in his own bed if he wakes you need to deal with each night in the same way. If he appears at your bedside lead him straight back to bed and tuck him in. Kiss him goodnight and tell him you will see him in the morning. Children of this age may try to get into lengthy discussions with you but it is best to keep any talking to the minimum. As he wakes at precisely the same time each night it is likely to be due to habit rather than anything else.

To help your son stay in his bed each night, buy a bunny alarm clock and set it for the time he is allowed to come in to your room in the morning. This clock is a rabbit face which “wakes up” at the set time so a child who cannot tell the time knows when he is allowed to get out of bed. Make him a star chart as well to help him. Star charts can be used to encourage a child to behave well. For some children the visual impact of seeing several stars or stickers in a row is enough. For others there may need to be some kind of incentive, such as a new story book or magazine.

Explain to him that he will get a star or sticker each time he stays in bed until the rabbit clock tells him he can get up in the morning. Tell him that once he has managed to get five or six stickers you will go together to buy a book or magazine. If he does get up one night and come to you, lead him back to bed with little comment but point out to him in the morning that he will not have a sticker for that day. Before going upstairs for bed, count through his stickers with him to encourage him for the coming night. Don’t labour the point with him but have a little chat before he settles to sleep, to encourage him to stay in bed even if he does wake. Once he has reached his target, make a special point of praising him. It may take a few weeks of a star chart and an incentive for this night waking to stop altogether.