Sleeping FAQ: 9-12 Months – Settling/Sleep Associations

My 9.5mth son has started to scream when put down in his cot and is waking in the night, unable to settle again

My son for the last two weeks has been crying and screaming every time I put him in his cot. He has moaned in the past but settled himself. Only on occasions would I need to go in to quieten him by turning him on his side, readjusting blankets and then leave. He has never been a crying baby and to now have him screaming with tears and sobbing is distressing. It started with one or two naps (can’t remember exactly which ones) and now it’s every time he is put down. He has cut 5 teeth in the last three weeks and I have given him paracetamol on occasion (doesn’t help settle him but keeps him asleep). This week he has woken one out of every two nights and been unable to settle himself. He is pulling to stand on the cot now and can’t get himself down. One night he was awake and screaming on and off for four hours. He settles if I stand next to the cot with one hand on his bottom. As soon as I move to leave he screams. Where do I go to from here?

The sleep summary at the end of this page was yesterdays, at all times I had to assist to get him to calm down. (Stand there with hand on bottom)

He breasts feeds at 7am, 2.45pm and 6.30pm. He eats three meals a day, 3oz of millet or oats with milk and 1-2ozs fruit at breakfast. 2oz protein, 2ozs carbohydrate, 3ozs vegetables, 2-3ozs fruit at lunch, 1oz protein, 2oz carbohydrate and 3ozs vegetables at teatime.

He naps from 9.15-10am and 12.55-2.55pm. He goes to bed at 7pm.

Your son is at the age when separation anxiety can really start. As he has cut several teeth in the last few weeks, which may have caused him some pain and distress, he has become more dependent on you. This is a completely normal stage of development and with sensitive handling from you it will pass. It is distressing to have a baby crying, especially when in previous months they have not cried much. Whilst he needs to learn how to settle himself again, it is not advisable to leave him crying for long periods of time without reassuring him.

Has he become more clingy in the daytime, needing to be carried and held a lot? Have there been any recent changes in his routine or life? Have you been away recently? All these things can set off separation anxiety, but often it is just another milestone a baby reaches; perhaps quite suddenly for your son, after his recent spell of teething. How you deal with this in the day, working on making him just a little more independent but secure at the same time, should help the problems at night time.

If he is not used to being cared for on a regular basis by anyone other than yourself and partner, this anxiety may be stronger. Forcing him to be with strangers or just leaving him to play alone is not the way to solve this problem. You will need to gradually get him more used to being without you, whether it is by day when you leave a room or at night in his cot. Although you need to respond and reassure him you will need to make sure you don’t give him too much attention at night, which will become a reward for waking. Being calm and reassuring but also a little detached will help. Using the same few words each night can really help as he will feel more secure.

Begin by teaching him how to get down from a standing position when he is in his cot. Every time you put him down for a nap put him into his cot standing up. Take his hands in yours and hold them onto the cot spars. Show him how to lower himself by doing it with him. As he becomes more able to do this alone, stop assisting him so much. You can practice this in the daytime as well if you have a wooden playpen with bars. The more he practises the easier it will become for him to do this alone. This will help him be more able to settle alone should he wake in the night.

The fact that he is waking at night, especially if his teething is over, needs to be looked at too. At this age the amount of daytime sleep begins to decrease. If your son is sleeping until 7am and needing to be woken in the mornings, begin to cut down on his morning nap until he is going down at 9.30am for 20-30mins. A baby who does sleep beyond 7am, or who needs to be woken in the morning, may be able to go without needing this nap at all. He may need a slightly earlier lunch and nap afterwards.

If you are happy he is not having too much daytime sleep then look at his food intake. This appears to be good, providing you are sure you still have a good milk supply at 6pm. A baby who cries on and off for four hours could well be showing signs of hunger.

Once you are happy that his daytime sleep and food needs are being met, you can begin to find ways for your son to learn how to settle himself without becoming so upset.

To help his separation anxiety play lots of hiding and peek-a-boo games by day. Begin by sitting close to him and hiding your face behind a cushion, then begin to move yourself further away from him until you can hide behind a chair or sofa. Keep yourself hidden for longer periods of time providing your son does not become distressed by this. Then begin to move into another room and remain there for a short while before reappearing again. This will all help build up his trust that you may leave him, but you will return. If your son is not yet crawling his anxiety may be greater as he knows he has no way of following you. If he is mobile let him follow you, or scoop him up and take him with you to another room if you are going to be any length of time. This can be a frustrating time for you but the way you handle it, building up his confidence about being left on his own, will help this phase pass more quickly. Encourage him to spend time playing alone with one or two toys whilst you remain nearby but are not actively engaged with him the whole time. This can take time as well but it is worthwhile working on getting him to amuse himself for short periods of time in the day.

Make sure that bath and bedtime are a quiet time of day, with no rush. If your son is more mobile now he may be tired before7pm and need an earlier bedtime so move bath time earlier as well. If he is very tired he is more likely to protest about going down. Spend five minutes looking quietly at a suitable book and saying ‘Good night’ to his favourite toys before putting him in his cot. If he has a favourite toy or comforter make sure he is tucked up with them, and make a point of wishing them ‘Good night’ too. If he hasn’t formed an attachment to any particular toy or item then maybe now is the time to encourage him to take a small cuddly toy to bed with him. Some babies like to have the smell of their mother with them. If you sleep with a suitable toy for several nights before introducing it to your son he may accept it happily as it will be infused with your familiar smell. Have the same ritual each night so he becomes familiar with the routine. When it is time, say ‘Good night’ and put him in his cot. Assist him to lie down from a standing position, then tuck him in and say good night. If he begins to cry straight away reassure him with your voice and one or two pats and then leave him. Go back within 30 seconds and reassure him again briefly then leave him again. You will need to build up the time you leave him, using your voice to reassure him rather than patting him for any length of time. It is distressing when a baby cries and seems to need you to be with them to fall asleep. Gradually withdrawing yourself is going to take time, but it will help him begin to trust that you are not abandoning him completely yet getting him used to settling himself again. As this phase of separation anxiety passes you will find your son more able to get himself off to sleep without so much fuss.