Sleeping FAQ: 18-24 Months – Settling/Sleep Associations

For the past 9 months my 23 month son has needed me to stay with him as he falls asleep. I now want to stop this habit.

My 23 month old son has been a CLB since he was 6 weeks old, and would settle himself to sleep at 7 pm from the time he was 12 weeks old. When he was 14mths old we went away for a holiday and he would not settle himself as it was a strange room. To get him to sleep I would lie down quietly on the bed with him until he fell asleep (in about 10 mins). Somehow after the holiday he never went back to settling down by himself and for the last 9 months this is how he goes to sleep every night. I transfer him to the cot and then he sleeps right through till 8.30 am. Now however we have a 3 month old baby who I am trying to get into the CLB routine and I can’t manage to put my elder son to sleep as well. Hence I have started on sleep training. For the first day he cried for 45 minutes, vomited and then fell asleep. For the next 4 nights he cried for 30 minutes. He now starts getting anxious and begging me to stay with him every evening. This normally starts after his bath when he knows that the next thing is bed. I stay with him for about 10 mins, (saying prayers, cuddling etc) then transfer him to the cot and leave. I don’t go into the room again till I know that he is really asleep to check on him and make sure that he has not made himself sick. How long is this going to take? His begging for me to come back and crying on the monitor makes me feel so guilt. He settles at 7.30pm.

It will take your son a while to unlearn the association of falling asleep with you beside him. There are several things you could try to help him fall asleep alone without so much distress.

Have the same bedtime routine every night. Although, at the moment, he may become anxious about the prospect of parting from you he will feel more secure if you set up a routine to help reassure him.

Choose a toy to be with your son in his cot. Let him help you do this. You may decide to make a special trip with him to let him choose a new toy to buy. This toy will be his bedtime companion.

After his bath enjoy a short time of winding down. Read him a couple of short stories whilst you feed your baby. When it is time to settle your son for bed take him to his room. Make sure his special toy is waiting for him in his cot. Have your final time together saying prayers and having a cuddle then put him in his cot. Tuck him in telling his special toy that it must stay beside your son all night long. Leave a small plug-in wall light on or leave the door ajar, with a dim light outside. Your son may like to listen to a CD of lullabies, nursery songs or calming music. Have this all set up before bedtime so you can switch it on and leave the room.

It would be kinder to check on your son from time to time. As you leave the first time tell him you will be right outside and will be back in to check him in one minute. In reality, only stay outside for 30 seconds and call through to your son that it is “night time, time to go to sleep” before entering his room. Make the return visit brief. Wish him, “Good night. Sleep tight, I will be back to check you in a minute” and leave again. This time, return after one minute but still reassure him from outside the door, especially if he becomes distressed.

Continue to do this at slightly longer intervals until your son sleeps. For the first few nights only stay outside his room a maximum of 2-3 minutes before returning each time. Your son may take a while to settle on the first few nights but he should not become as distressed and upset as he does at the moment before sleeping. This method of gradual withdrawal can take time to work but it is worth it as your son will trust that you will return. Once he is asleep you can turn off the night light and shut the door.

Once your son has become used to falling asleep alone, without such a fuss, promise him you will still check on him in a short while after you have said Good Night. This small routine of checking, something for him to listen to and a special toy should continue to reassure him even when away from home again.

For a further description of this method see page 49 of The Complete Sleep Guide and a case study on page 148 of the same book.