Sleeping FAQ: 18-24 Months – Settling/Sleep Associations

My 19-month-old daughter becomes distressed if I don’t stay with her at 7pm.

My 19-month-old daughter is getting difficult to settle in the evenings. I mistakenly used to hold her until she was asleep. However, for the last 4 months I have been putting her in her cot, after a few minutes of sitting with her in the dark. I used to be able to leave the room fairly shortly after this. Now as soon as I turn out the light she will insist on being put in her cot, however as soon as I take my hand away from her she becomes distressed. This can carry on for 30-45 minutes, by the end of which she is usually crying. I am concerned that she is not seeing enough of me during the day and trying to make up for it by prolonging the bed time routine. I work full time and she is cared for by a nanny. However as I am 7 months pregnant with twins, I really can’t stand for long over her cot at night, holding her hand to comfort her. Once asleep she is generally very good and doesn’t wake up.

Your daughter has come to associate falling asleep with having you beside her. She may well be missing you in the day but now that twins are on the way you must teach her how to fall asleep alone. You can give her a special time with you before she goes into her cot but once there she needs to settle herself. It would be practical if you try to get this problem solved as quickly as possible so she is used to settling alone once the babies are born.

Have a calm and cosy bedtime routine together which starts as soon as she is out of the bath. Look at a couple of books with her whilst she has her milk and talk over her day with her. Even if her verbal skills are not great you can talk to her about what has been happening in her day so she knows that you are interested in what she does, despite not being with her all day. Toddlers can be great manipulators and will try to prolong things such as settling to sleep especially when they sense that you are probably feeling some guilt at having to leave her in the day. Feeling guilty is part of motherhood but you need to stand back from your feelings and see that it in both of your interests that she settles herself once in her cot.

Create a little ritual for going to bed, sing the same song, say goodnight to the same toys, kiss her and wish her goodnight with the same words every night so she becomes secure in this part of her day and knows what to expect.

There are two ways in which you can get her to settle alone. Both are explained in great detail in The Complete Sleep Guide: p 49 gradual withdrawal and p 45 controlled crying. You need to be aware that gradual withdrawal does work but it can take several weeks before your daughter will be able to settle herself without you nearby or rechecking her. Controlled crying usually take less time but does involve some crying. Decide, how you are physically feeling yourself, which method you wish to use and then stick with it, even though the result will not be instantaneous. Your daughter needs to re-learn the skills she had in being able to settle alone.
As a brief guide, gradual withdrawal means you stay in the room with your daughter once you have put her in the cot, although not touching her but reassuring her of your prescience. You may tidy a drawer for a few minutes once she is in the cot. Then you leave the room for a very short time telling her you will be back in “one minute” and you re-enter in one minute so she trusts you although she may be distressed. You may have to leave and re-enter the room a great many times in the first few nights until she falls asleep. Gradually you begin to build up the amount of time you stay out before re-entry. It may be successful in a few days with getting to about 5 minutes out of the room when your daughter backtracks a little, but you need to remain firm and persistent in telling her: “I will be back in five minutes” and then waiting that long before re-entry. Many parents feel that this method, although gentle in its approach, takes too long and they fall back into their old ways of comforting their child to sleep. You do need to realise it may take weeks, not days to work. Another variation of this method is to sit on a chair near the cot and gradually move the chair nearer and nearer to the door over successive nights until you are able to leave the room and call a reassurance through to her.

Controlled crying is a quicker way, but again you must remain consistent and keep up with the length of time you leave before going in to reassure your daughter. Settle her in her cot and then leave her about five minutes. Wait that length of time before going back into her even if she is crying. Reassure her with a soft “shhhh” and stroke of the head but then leave within two minutes, even if she is still crying. After the first half hour of reassuring her every five minutes begin to lengthen the time each time you go back to her between 5-10 minutes so she is left for 15-20 minutes between visits.

ontinue with the checking every 15-20 minutes until she falls asleep. Don’t stay any longer in her room than 2 minutes, just to reassure her. The next night you begin with the time you were at when she fell asleep the night before i.e. waiting 15-20 minutes the first time before you go in to reassure her. This time say “shhhh” but try not to stroke her. Begin to increase the visits after one hour to 35-40mins and reduce the time in the room to one minute. By day three you daughter may well be settling herself with in the first 20 minutes of being left. But do not be tempted to go in before this first 15-20 minutes as this will only upset her more. It may take another week or so for her to be settling with no fuss at all.

Either method will help her to learn how to settle alone. It does take time and persistence but in your case will certainly help things to have things settled before your new babies are born.